A Public Service Announcement

  Admittedly, I was a French major because I entered The University with a good deal of credit from my AP tests, but I took the opportunity to learn more about 20th century French music. I really liked Jacques Brel (and Scott Walker), and today I listened to Au Suivant, a song about being in the army. I guess that would’ve been in the late 1950s or so… and so in “French Indochina?” (If such a place really ever existed.).  Anyway, I like Jacques Brel because his music sounds very grandiose and theatrical. I forget why I brought him up, specifically, but it had a substantial effect on me. Basically, “au suivant” is French for “next” and refers to him going to the barber or a prostitute while in the army. From the latter, he wanted her to be sweet, but that wasn’t what the army was paying for that day. And so I found this to be a relatable theme in music:  the artist wanted something sweet and instead got something tawdry. Anyway, today is my 21st post, and I remember learni...

  I am listening to the hit 90s band, Everclear, and he’s singing about the AM Radio. To be honest, that’s a little before my time, but I can remember the answers I got when I asked about it. And I remember  (very well) making tapes of the FM radio. Kids today have no concept of this, and soon enough, YouTube will be like Nick at Night. (And still I see no flying cars!) It must be _for_ something. Even if there’s no unifying Answer, my suspicion is we can be doing a better job on smaller questions. Check the ballistics: people like pleasure and dislike pain. These are commonly mediated by biology and are therefore more or less universal. After all, smiles are just about universal expressions of pleasure, and it’s unlikely learned. Even winces that look like smiles differ. My guess is it’s really obvious in the eyes. Anyway, on one hand, I feel like we humans are pleasure machines with no agenda. But I believe it’d be a mistake to think that’s all we can do. After all, my exper...

  When I was a boy, one recurring lesson was that the cost of being right is being lonely. When I think back on how much time I spent alone, it’d be reasonable to assume I feel more right. Instead, I feel like I was taught being right is a precursor to showing off and therefore wrong too. Now that I’m older, the world has changed. People have changed. Whereas it was once distasteful to show off, now it’s akin to differentiation and therefore practical if not necessary. Whereas I could get angry about this, my suspicion is it’s fleeting and unworthy of frustration. I suspect it’s rooted in supply and demand, simple economics. People want nice _things_ and suspect they can get them easily if they flaunt what they have more (that’s how you show appreciation, right?!).  Once it seems we only have _simulacra_, the tide will turn. And so I guess what I’m trying to say is: Be the change you wish to see.

  I have been thinking about this a lot, for a few reasons. When I was a kid, it was pretty common to find a collection of newspaper posts published as a book… beside someone’s toilet somewhere. It used to seem that books were a common place to stuff things. It seemed like length was often the distinguishing factor. However, in this Computer Age, specialization is the name of the game. An anthology has to be _about_ something. The posts should have things in common, and they should introduce and dissect new ideas. A book used to imply a page count, but it now implies a variety of properties, like: - Page count - Subject cohesion (coherence?) - Voice - Known characters There are others, but this is a start. When I was young, I read a lot as part of a school contest and for pizza. I read lots of Encyclopedia Brown and would ride my bike to garage sales to find copies. One of the memorable properties of Encyclopedia Brown was the predictable form: at the end of each caper, there was a...

  As you may already know, I have been traveling this summer, and I am doing lots of acupuncture and speech therapy. Today I learned that Kevin Mitnick passed (RIP), and I’m left wondering what to do. I feel like the initial rise and fall of video games had a profound impact on modern life in the 1980s. Kids who were born after that have a dramatically different experience than people who were kids before it. Then add in software like Linux and Docker, and we are suddenly living in an entirely different world. When I was younger, it felt that we (Americans? Humans?) were generally living on the same planet, but as computer technology has matured, we are able to pursue our individualized interests to a greater degree. On one hand, this improves the human experience. On the other, it makes it easier for humans to have little in common, which makes things like governance more of a challenge. Truth be told, I thought Mitnick was a bit of a dork. Obviously he had a place in Computer His...

Yesterday afternoon, I awoke in the middle of the day. I felt very confused about what was happening, and it seemed as though I could see through all the illusions. It was as if nothing was real, and I could see that. Food and computers and accomplishment — all an illusion, which was bittersweet. On the one hand, after all, we want to believe this is all for _something._ If nothing were real, there’d be no point in ever trying *anything.*   Whereas the teenage me approves of that message, the adult me wants to believe we’re doing something here. Keep on swimming. And so I got up because I suspected it was a dream. And I keep thinking of Bill Hicks jokes, “Look at my furrows of worry! This has to be real!”  The runner in me wants to give my best effort from start to finish and to finish with full effort. The distance runner in me knows the race may be long. The pragmatic person in me knows that’s a metaphor and that this is not really a race. The good boy (Sit!) in me wants to ...

  Having (3) strokes has been very challenging for me on several levels. Obviously my fiancée leaving was a considerable challenge. When I eventually regained consciousness and found myself drooling, that was tough too. In fact, I’ve had to make many changes to my life, and I’ve done my best to keep them transparent because I also need to keep up morale. Honestly, I didn’t want this experience, but “there’s no crying in baseball.” Moreover, “the only way out is forward.” Basically, this situation is an idiom-maker’s dream! Like everything in life, it’s up to me to make the best of the circumstances. On the one hand, there is nobody here with me, but simultaneously, there’s nobody to distract me from healing, which is my most important responsibility. And it’s clear people are counting on me. When I call some place I haven’t in a while, people are always very complimentary about my voice. When someone else recovers, we get to celebrate without putting in time or effort. Moreover, if...

I love that movie, Adaptation. I expected to kinda like it, but I LOVED it. I found it extremely clever and yet more proof that Charlie Kaufman was a creative genius. It contained a lot of life lessons, including one that means a lot to me now. There’s a scene where Chris Cooper’s backing out of the driveway, and he gets t-boned. This kills both his in-laws and knocks out his teeth. His wife then leaves him. Meryl Streep, whom he’s telling this story, proceeds to relate to the ex-wife, and explains that this is her chance to start over without judgment. I think Cooper says, “Well I judge her,” but I could be making that up. The fact is my fiancée left me, and I should focus on the fact I’m lucky she left. It’s extremely painful, and I won’t lie about that. It’s particularly painful because it means I was prepared to marry someone who would leave me as soon as we encountered a challenge. To be candid, I don’t need or want that in my life. Even if it ends up being manageable, it certainl...

  My ex, who unceremoniously left me once things got difficult, used to say she’s my “forever person” and vice versa—which brings to mind the expression “with friends like these, who needs enemies?!” During the time we were together, my number of friends steadily decreased. And, like, if I could count on my forever person, I probably would. But it was all a lie. What she meant was as long as she’s never tested, she is eager to talk a big game. Anyway, as I sit here alone, I really should count my blessings: 1. I’m alive 2. I’m still me 3. I’m capable of recovery 4. I’ve recovered a lot already 5. THE BEST IS YET TO COME! 6. I didn’t marry her 7. I still remember a lot 8. I’m capable of learning more 9. I’m capable of doing more There’s more, but these are key. Part of why it’s hard is because I nearly married her!!! You want to think your spouse has your back through thick and thin, but you can evidently be wrong about that, which is both embarrassing and dispiriting. I feel like I...

  I’m currently in New Hampshire, and I’ve been doing acupuncture here. Ever since my fiancée left me… no, Ever since I had some strokes AND my fiancée left me, I’ve been trying to make sense of things. For me, that means making my life subjectively worthwhile. Moreover, my fiancée leaving me was very dispiriting, and I worry she saw something I can’t. I worry she could see that I’m not worthwhile, despite my desire. And so, I feel like it doesn’t take much for me to develop a crush on someone now. Most recently, I found myself having a casual crush on the acupuncturist. Wait. Hold on. I want to remind you that I have some vision troubles, so if you can fix my vision, I’ll love you for life. Anyway, today I learned that my new acupuncturist is married. I kinda expected this, but I was a little bummed. Also, I saw a photo of my ex-fiancée on my phone today, and I noticed that I was distinctly more bummed. Like having a crush on someone helping me (and being cute!) is therapeutic for...

I’ve lived much of my life in conflict. For instance, I want to pursue creative endeavors, but I don’t want attention. I want to produce pointless stuff, but I also want to drone on about the importance of doing stuff that will inspire future generations. You don’t even want to see the six-fingered hands I’ve been drawing recently. Part of me wants to continue to point out all the ways in which I’m a disappointment. And part of me wants to understand it. After all, my gut feeling is that it has some logic to it. Just like using gasoline produces exhaust, my suspicion is that my six-finger hands correspond to something. I grew up in Texas, and I wanted to be a “good boy.” (Like a dog). It was very important for me to do the right thing, and I wanted to be sure to avoid trouble. As I got older, I was REALLY into spoken word albums by Jello Biafra, the lead singer of the Dead Kennedys. When he came to UT Austin, I went to see him and cringed every time he tried to burp not-into the mic bu...

So on this date in 1993, my father became my late father. For years or decades, his death would loom (?) over me, and I would let it be a largely defining event in my life. Today, 30 years later, I want to move on. I want to stop living in the past, and I want to define myself with something else. Even as I type this, I have an internal voice assuring me there is no escape from terror. And, on one hand, I agree. But at the same time, it’s 2023, and this planet’s history dates back far. I think 4.6 b illion years, and humans have been around for around 120k (tho I want to say 125k, which is >2 Caesarian calendars longer than 120k!). Basically, I saw The Secret and other similar movies, and I came away thinking modern humans are like super important—and in a way we are. However, we’re mostly here to connect what was to that which will be. Last night someone sent me a funny video about how we should all get free money so we can devote ourselves to looking hot on the beach. And while I ...

So now that I have had someone tell me they’re a reader, I feel much more self-conscious about my whining. Now, my desire to persevere outweighs my desire to whine. Moreover, we have a _lot_ of whiners. And you know what they need? A role model who is into perseverance. And so I would like to acknowledge people weaker and less fortunate have overcome more. I would like to further acknowledge I have a lot going for me. Maybe it took some challenges to understand the stakes but BOY HOWDY I understand em now! The medium of a blog makes me want to ramble about this and that, but I struggle to see the longer term value of rambling. Ultimately, we have a lot to do. Just today, I interacted with another business that is basically a scam. It seems these are fairly common. I’m not talking about the bona fide scams either. I’m talking about the legal scams that hire college graduates. Just stop. We don’t have time for this nonsense. And it’s not a good use of tax revenues to lock up all the scam...

I think of that line often. At least I think that’s the line. In the ART FILM “Home Alone,” the mother is desperately trying to get home so she can see the kid they forgot. Firstly, if you can’t keep track of all your kids, read between the lines. Secondly, if I recall correctly, he was glad to get some time by himself. Thirdly, he’s fine. Anyway, in the uh third act, the mother is at some airport telling her sob story so some stranger will show pity and let her get to her north shore mansion. Eventually she rides back to Chicagoland in a polka band’s van. I keep thinking of this mother because I too am yearn to recover. She wanted to see her kid, whereas I want to recover. Neither of us knew how to get where we are going or what would be there. I want to believe — to borrow a phrase — THE BEST IS YET TO COME! For me, yes, and for the so-called free world. I have been looking at job posts lately, and it’s clear we have a lot to do. About a year ago, before my stroke(s), I didn’t feel a...

A drawback of losing a parent when you’re young is that there’s nobody to teach you the ways of the world. Sure, mom can try, but she needs to recover from her injuries and grieve her loss. Also, she doesn’t really like you very much—on a personal level. My adolescence was very tumultuous, and I was ready for things to be easy. I had worked very hard to make lots of money for people I mostly didn’t know. Now it was my time to bask. However, instead, I had a stroke (a few, as it were) and find myself alone again. I hope to recover and keep riding, but I thought it would be different. When this all began—when the pandemic began—and my fiancée and I came to Texas, my goal was to make amends with my mother, and to have a “normal” life, wherein my mom meets my fiancée and vice versa, and we proceed to have our life together (me and my fiancée), married and happy. Instead, here I go again on my own. I do not think I will feel close to my mother anymore. I do not have a girlfriend, and frankl...

  I am now 43. I got engaged when I was 41. I took the prospect of marriage pretty seriously and didn’t marry the first girl who showed up. Indeed, my now-ex broke up with me because she felt like it was going nowhere. So needless to say, getting engaged became a high priority. Then I had a stroke. When I… let me backtrack… When the pandemic began we were in New York. She had moved to my neighborhood and was at my tiny apartment when everything shut down. At first, we were at my place, but within a couple days, she called her dad to come rescue us. I can remember rushing us out to her dad’s suburban, most of my things in garbage bags. Needless to say, 2020 had some issues… After a few weeks, she came and told me her parents were getting on her nerves, so we could go to Texas. Right around this time, my mother had told me she had cancer, so from my standpoint, this was a good opportunity for my mother to meet my girlfriend. And so we were off. We spent a few months in Austin, where ...

Originally, I made this blog to warn people against the heat. One minute you’re playing basketball (and dunking dammit!). Next thing you know, you’re in the hospital and wearing adult diapers (fml). I want people to care about health and fitness, which entails _not_ having strokes. I feel like the early days of the Internet (90s until now) have been about “follow your bliss” and “f* you, pay me,” as we have seen the emergence of social media and flagrant displays of wealth. But like, I had a stroke, and nobody really knows what to do to heal me. I lived, which is a good first step, but I’m (A YOUNG) 43, and like I don’t want to be encumbered by my health. I want to _recover_. Frankly I should not have had a stroke, but this is not the anti-salt post. (It’s coming though!) The fact of the matter is we have a lot to do. And then we die. Ideally we can do a great job so that future generations can have some fun and also solve even bigger challenges.