A Public Service Announcement

  Every day, I wake up and pursue my recovery. As a general rule, recovery from the effects of my stroke/s is very important to me. I try to steadily work towards recovery, while keeping my mind open in case better solutions become apparent along the way. I realize tenacity appeals to me because I’m the person who needs to recover. What this means is that I need to pursue recovery long after it’s interesting. I need to pursue recovery first and foremost. I need to pursue recovery in all aspects of life. I need to pursue recovery like my life depends on it. Along the way, I’ve still had to deal with life:  my fiancée left me, I am not sure what truly matters, etc. I am extremely fortunate, but the “good stuff” I have is the direct result of other decisions I made previously. Moreover, I am alone. I just try to remember I am lucky overall. I think attitude matters a lot, and I have one of the best attitudes around ;) and because I’m all by myself, nobody can even invalidate me! ...

I love lifting weights—love it. When I ran cross country in high school, we had to lift weights, but I convinced myself weightlifting wasn’t for me, so it wasn’t. Funny how that works. Anyway, I’ve been lifting weights at the hotel*, and it’s one of the highlights of my day, …daily. I especially like pushing myself, and nowadays I am overwhelmed with a sense of fear, that I may begin experiencing a stroke prodrome. Intellectually I think that’s unlikely, but I am talking about a sense, not rationality. I love lifting weights, though. I like to think this makes me more Ancient Greek, as they too appreciated feats of strength. * my weight room at home is far better than the one here. However, it’s a bit crowded. The “gym” here has given me some ideas—specifically how I can change my layout by using more space.

Ever since my fiancée left me, a few things have been constant:  for one, I’m usually alone with my thoughts. In addition to this, I notice other couples more. It seems like there’s always a downtrodden man, along with a with a woman who doesn’t appear to care he’s there, along with a few kids. This is very common as well as my nightmare. I don’t want to seem anti-child or anti-woman, but I tend to think our family structure is an artifact of time, probably yet another Roman Empire holdover. I have never had kids or a wife, and so I’ve spent a lot of time wondering WIIFM (What’s In It For Me?). I actually prefer this, as my to-do list is quite extensive. Moreover, I think we have a responsibility to future generations. After all, we didn’t need to figure out electricity or indoor plumbing. Also, we have benefitted significantly from the contributions of others, and it seems unlikely we’re done. And so, …I have no clever rejoinder, sorry. Keep up the hard work. If you don’t work har...

I wanted to call this “Just Put One Foot in Front of the Other,” but I apparently already used that title… I am in my hotel room in New Hampshire, where I’ve been reading today. And I’m …bored? Like, I don’t really know. My stroke cost me friends, but so did my engagement. And so when my ex left, I also found myself needing to replenish my friends as I work to recover from a stroke. And now I recognize I don’t just want friends, as was the case previously. Indeed, I’m finding that it’s beneficial to be much more deliberate now. And so I sit here and await my dinner. I spent the afternoon contemplating whether to sell my house, and then I took a nap. In principle, I want friends, but I have a lot to do, and I don’t want to get derailed further. As soon as my ex allowed me home*, I was preoccupied with ensuring she was OK, when really that should’ve been reversed. I did some cleaning earlier, too. Tomorrow I see the eye dr who does vision therapy. She says the problem is my eyes don’t wo...

I started this blog …why did I start this blog? Hmm. I guess I wanted to speak my mind in case it was my last chance. Maybe this (vanity) is part of being human. Anyway, I think I originally had some goals that remain unrealized. Am I about to quote a Brand New song? But I digress. I think camaraderie used to be important and/or familiar to me, but now I speak like I have a mouth full of marbles and walk with a cane. As such, my priorities and activities are totally different. I’m concentrating on falling apart (haha jk!). The bottom line is that I’m getting better, and we have a lot of work to do so as to ensure humans aren’t a blip in time. Tho, like, maybe centaurs are next. That’d be rad. But let’s not count on that. Let’s try as hard as we can for as long as possible. Or, as Bill O’Riley (Remember him? I’m sorry!) once said, “Fuck it! We’ll do it live!”

  Of all the lessons I’ve learned over the last year and/or from having a stroke, that (the title of this post) is the most harrowing. I’ve surely been guilty of it, too, so my outrage is limited, but I think we, as humans, can and should do a better job of having …intentionality. Ultimately, I wouldn’t want anybody else tasked with taking care of me. To quote Billy Joe from Green Day, “Everybody’s heart doesn’t beat the same.” I’ve seen this a lot, and I want to do what I want to do! My fiancée probably left cuz she was afraid she’d get stuck taking care of me, but as soon as I was home, I found myself trying to make her happy and coming up short, from my perspective, which can’t be conducive to healing. But won’t this end humans, if we’re not stuck with each other??? Yes. 😂 I kid, I kid — humans are fancy weevils. Whenever we’re smart enough to stop treating each other badly, it’ll probably be time to change messages. Anyway, you get the idea, and my food is on its way.