What Are We Doing?

Yesterday afternoon, I awoke in the middle of the day. I felt very confused about what was happening, and it seemed as though I could see through all the illusions.

It was as if nothing was real, and I could see that. Food and computers and accomplishment — all an illusion, which was bittersweet. On the one hand, after all, we want to believe this is all for _something._ If nothing were real, there’d be no point in ever trying *anything.*  Whereas the teenage me approves of that message, the adult me wants to believe we’re doing something here.

Keep on swimming.

And so I got up because I suspected it was a dream. And I keep thinking of Bill Hicks jokes, “Look at my furrows of worry! This has to be real!” 

The runner in me wants to give my best effort from start to finish and to finish with full effort. The distance runner in me knows the race may be long. The pragmatic person in me knows that’s a metaphor and that this is not really a race. The good boy (Sit!) in me wants to exert effort, to persevere, and to be pleased with myself for doing my best.  Still, it’s not lost on me that we are mapping the terrain as we explore the course. We don’t really have a game plan, but we are doing our best.

I remember the Foals album “Total Life Forever.” That became a sort of mantra for me because it identified what I wanted: everything I wanted forever, I didn’t want to have priorities. Instead, I would say, “I want everything I want forever and nothing I don’t want ever.” And like I think this is pretty typical for us humans.

But like the philosopher Kanye West said (in so many words), “ this is not your dream. Firstly, there are billions of little squishy guys, just like you. Secondly, “this is a god dream.”

And so please be all you can be. Please “finish strong.” Please do whatever you can to make life on earth better and easier. But also remember we have no playbook. We do not exactly know what we’re doing. All that’s super-clear to me is that we don’t have a clear plan.